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2/17/13 03:57 pm - WTF is happening?

My life is slowly imploding around me, actually, that's not an apt description. MY life and everything I've held dear in it for the last 10years is rapiddly crumbling and bursting into flames while I just stand by and watch. Why do I do this? why do I sabotage Everything before I ever even get my shoes put on to walk out the door? ..why can't I keep her happy? that's a dumb question, you know the answer, you just can't admit that you arn't good enough for her any more. you can't keep on keeping on, that shit DOES NOT FLY!! You STUPID MOTHAFUKA, you've been frozen in time ever since.. since, I don't even know when it happend. ONe day we were laughing and smiling with each other, then the next, just silence.
I haven't felt a hole this big inside of me in a long time. I can feel myself starting to slip away and shutdown again. But I can't. I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN! not just for myself, but for the family, the family that I thought she wanted, for the family that she deserves. SHe knows that I can do this, she's told me that so many times before, why can't I listen? why havn't I donr the things that she needs from me? why am I not mee anymore? That one is easy, hee died. hee died when you lost your spark,when life beat you down so much that you couldn't get back up and shake it off. before mom died, before joel was born, it happened slowly. I just fell into the deep end and never got my head back above water, I was drowning. am still Drowning in a pit of self loathing and despair, and I can feel the embrace of the weed's as they tangle around my ankles and pull me deeper, pulling tighter. If I do nothing, then I will surely die, and loose everything that I am proud of. that is NOT an option.
It's time to murder the child, to kill the boy so the man can finally be born. the man that she know's is inside of me. I blame her for his death, but I don't hold it against her, BUt in fact admire her for it, she knows what it takes to slap me out of it. I cannot loose her, cannot loose her, have to make her fall in love with me all overagain. is that even possiable? NO! STOP THAT! Of course it's possiable don't let yourself slip, swing the bat for her, for joel, let it follow the arch in your heart, in her heart. beacuse your heart is her's, and has been since the moment you met her, sitting there at lunch in her baggy camo pants, listening to her jimmy eat world. I fell in love with her, but I had to take the easy way out to get her. I remember walking home from her birhtday, thinking to myself, how can I tell her how I feel without ruining friendship's. In retrospect, that was a horrible thing to do to her, it set us up for years of questioning my intentions, If I didn't care enough then to fuck everything else for her then, than how can I expect her to listen to me now about nearly the same thing?!? I can't, I have to show her that I DO care about things, that I am not just an un-lovable grumble fucker, that I can be the man that she wants. and I know that it's the woman in her that scream's and fights the boy in mee, I know that it's not her job to birth the man, that's a job for me, that is my task. To Do What MUST need's be done, that is my nindo, I adopted it for her, I changed the sloth that I was for her, Everything that I have done in the last ten years, I have done for us. I will make her love me agian, I will. I will give her the space she's asking me for, I will trust that I am her Man. But I will not let her go into the world with-out help. she need's to prove to herself that she is strong enough to do the things that I havn't been doing for her. I know for a fact that she won't have any troubles in prooving that, I only worry for her well being. I will, when asked to, give her everything that she need's. But I need to learn to wait until she ask's. I will do this, because, it's what must need be done. I will fight for us, I will not let her just slip away because I did. but, I can't for the life of me shake the feeling of finality, I hope and pray to the universe that it's me mourning the loss of jimmy, and not form the loss of Steph & James. life would be sooo bland without any peanut butter.

I hope nobody reads this, if you do, then do me a favor and don't tell me. I don't wanna know who peer's into my thoughts, or what they think about them.

see you, on the other side..

10/29/10 07:22 am

To Whom It may Concern,

I really miss you, I denied it at first. But with every passing day I realize just how big the hole is that you left in life. And I dont just mean the physical Hole(although, yes that one is pretty big too).
I look at the the new generation and I can see so much of what skipped me, but what is truely you in him.I can hear it in him too. especially when he's not happy. But I tell you even in death I can still hear you saying: James dean, dont you hurt that babe, even though we both know that would never happen, you'd say it anyway.
Id like to think that you'll read this, But I know that you wont. Id like to think that you already knew this, just like you always knew what I was going to say, even before I did. Basically mom, what Im tryin to say, is that you already know what I want to say, And I already Know what you would say to help me through my issues. But that doesnt mean that I dont need to hear it. It doesnt mean that I dont wish you were still here to hear me, but rather it means that I wish I knew what to do..
I wish I had asked more questions, learned more stories to pass on. I wish I had the strength to forgive those who you would have wanted me to forgive, I wish that I knew what to tell the young one when he asks: what was grandma like? Do I tell him the truth? do I tell him the same Lies that you told me to protect him, like you did me? No, I think he should know, I want him to know what I know. WHich honestly isnt a whole hell of a lot. but you already knew that.
I know what I have to do, I know that I have to do right by my Family, which starts with doing right by myself. To be myself, and to be that little boy that you knew, the little boy that you loved, The one who I used to be, Before my innocence was so cruelly torn from mee. To be the bright shinning star you always wanted me to be.
I dont blame you for that by the way. It wasnt your fault that mikey and I had to grow up so fast, How could it be? I always thought that it was fundamentally my fault for being too weak to stand up for myself. But I know now that cant be true either, for if anything you taught us to be Headstrong, and to stand up for what we believe in, even if it was against your own belief.
Even though I know what I need to do in a broad sense, that doesnt mean that I have the knowledge to get the gears going. But I can promise you, That I wont let you down, That I *will* make you proud, I dont know how Im going to do this, but when has that ever stopped me before? But know for sure, that I could use your help if you wouldnt mind looking out for me, Mikey, Steph, And Joel(who you never really got to meet). I would immensely appreciate it.

love always, and NEVER FORGET
your son, Jimmy

P.S. I still cry when ever I hear this song

12/1/09 03:43 am - ...update

My mom died. Almost 2two months ago now, ....it still hurts

5/26/08 04:17 pm - 6six months and 20twenty days

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

11/4/07 05:43 am - whats upp?

wowzers, long time no see,

not much is happening here with me, just the same ol' same ol I guess

so, yeah, Im sitting here in the library trying very hard to remember how to type and I thought that id update this dudty old journal.

so there I updated,

..... >.<BRING ON THE 5/\/0\/\/ ALL READY !!! see you space cowboy

6/30/06 03:07 pm


4/4/06 02:41 pm - fuckin Gods

the damn Zodiac are mocking mee again

February 18 - March 19
Some intense and revealing communications with a close friend or lover may reveal wonderful new things about your relationship. Perhaps you have more in common than you thought you did; perhaps fears and insecurities that you had about the relationship prove groundless. As a result, dear Pisces, the two of you could grow closer together and discover a new mutual sense of purpose. Enjoy the positive feelings that come your way and have a great day together.

2/23/06 10:02 am

Your Birthdate: March 18

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.
You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.
Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.
You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.

Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

Your power color: Crimson red

Your power symbol: Snowflake

Your power month: September
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2/1/06 11:20 pm - filler, waiting for the printer

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!
What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

well, Igot the pictures I needed, for my britt lit project. now All I need to do is assemble my scrapbook and Ill be set

I wont fail that class again

1/19/06 10:27 pm

1. Think of a word you would use to describe me
2. Go to Goggle Image Search and search for that word.
3. Select the picture you see as most fitting, and post it as a reply. (Explanations are optional.)
4. Post this meme in your journal
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